Why You Can't Make Time for Yourself (And the One Belief That Changes Everything)
Not being able to find time for yourself isn’t a time management issue. It’s a belief issue.
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You know that time with and for yourself is important, not only to rest, but also to listen to yourself, to get clear on what you want, and to get guidance and direction from within.
Maybe you took an extended vacation, went on a retreat, or took a sabbatical and were reminded of just how good, how lovely, how nourishing and expansive it felt to slow down and be with yourself.
But lately, it’s been hard to carve out the time for yourself consistently–even though you know how necessary this it is. More and more, you’ve been wondering if it’s possible to be successful and have time for yourself. Why is it so hard to make time for yourself?
Here’s why: Because finding time for ourselves isn’t a time management issue. It’s a belief issue.
Whenever we're trying to change something—whatever we do or don't do, our actions, our behavior—is always tied to or fueled by some belief.
For most of us ambitious, high-achieving people, we have been driven by this belief that hard work leads to success. That being successful and having the trappings and the makings of success is what matters. It makes us feel of value. And so, we work hard. Our work ethic becomes the proxy for our worthiness.
That is a belief. And I say that's a belief (emphasis on the “a”) because there are other beliefs.
The Real Reason We Can't Take Time for Ourselves
My hunch is that the reason why we have a hard time taking time for ourselves during the week—or why we feel like we have to save up and earn our stillness—is because we don't recognize stillness as work. We don't acknowledge that there is something of value in stillness.
We have come to associate stillness and not doing as the opposite of working hard. And if it is the opposite of working hard, that means it is the opposite of success. It is the opposite of being ambitious. It is the opposite of being high-achieving.
Because we've identified ourselves as ambitious, successful, high-achieving people who have the long-held belief that hard work leads to success, we have an aversion to doing anything that feels like a threat to that part of our identity.
And so if we want to start carving out time for ourselves, if we want to make that a practice, if we want to stop seeing stillness and slowing down and quiet as a threat, as lazy, or as unproductive, then we have to change or let go of the belief that's tied to that.
We have to let go of this belief that hard work leads to success.
The Replacement Belief
If we're going to sunset that belief, if we're going to let that belief go because it's getting in the way of us being who and how we want to be with ourselves, we need to replace it with something.
If we say, "Oh, I'm going to sunset this belief that hard work leads to success," and we just leave that space open, we're going to default back to our old way of being. We've got to give ourselves something new to hold onto—a new belief that supports who we are becoming and how we want to be with ourselves.
So the first step is to think:
What would I want to believe about stillness?
What would I need to believe about who I am and who I am becoming that allows for—and not only allows for but values—stillness?
What belief would I need to anchor myself in to make carving out time for myself during the week a non-negotiable?
New Beliefs to Try On
Let me throw some possible beliefs out there:
"I believe I was created for expansiveness." I believe that I was created like everything in nature. Everything in nature requires water. Everything in nature is not pushing. It is just being and being tended to.
"I believe that what I was created to do does not require my sacrifice, but it thrives in stillness." I believe that whatever I was created to do thrives in stillness.
"I believe that I have the answers to everything within me." And it is my only job to be still, to listen to that inner voice, to honor it, and act. If that inner voice says, "Be still," that's what I'm going to do. If that inner voice says, "Go," that's what I'm going to do.
"I believe that all of the answers, the direction and the clarity I need, is inside of me." And my job is to tune in and listen to that inner wisdom. That's my job. I can rock with that belief.
"I believe that I am a gift from God." And that it is my job to take care of and be a good steward of this gift. Being a good steward of this gift means taking care of it, tending to it like I would my most beloved garden. Being gentle with myself. Honoring myself. So that I can be and do all that God created me to be.
At My Core, I Believe
At my core, I just believe that every one of us was intentionally, carefully curated. That we were designed to be here in this moment, on and for purpose—and not for forced productivity or to work hard. I believe that we were designed to be here, to be the salt of the earth, to make a meaningful difference with our presence, not with our performance.
And if we think of ourselves in that way—that we are the gift—then how would we be with ourselves? And what beliefs do we need to let go of? And what beliefs do we need to water, nurture, and adopt that will allow us to do the things we want to do?
In this case, one of the things that we desperately want to do, one of the things that our spirit is longing for and asking for, is to take stillness, to take time for ourselves, without having to earn it. To make it a prerequisite, a part of our daily practice, without feeling like it is a threat to our identity.
But the reality is, it might be a threat to our old identity.
But it is nourishment and life for the person we are becoming.
My Invitation to You
My invitation to you is to grab a pen, grab a notebook, go on a walk—however you get into stillness—and brainstorm your own list of potential beliefs to support the person you are becoming, to support how you want to be with yourself.
Then, over the course of this next week, try some on:
When you're planning your week: Sit with the new belief that you are trying on. Hold onto this belief. Meditate on it. Think about it. Feed yourself this new belief so that you have something to hold onto.
Conduct a mini audit: Look at your calendar while holding onto this belief. Where are there things in your week that thrive on or perpetuate the old belief that hard work leads to success? Where in your calendar are you hustling? Over-performing? Perfectionist? Trying to prove? Where are you doing those things?
Create space: After you do the audit, create space for yourself. If you create space in your calendar and all you want to do is just sit, or have lunch not at your desk, or take a walk, or get in your garden—whatever it is—do it.
Reflect: If you want to use that time for reflection and to begin to explore what this new evolution of you looks like and sounds like and feels like, that's how you get to know this new version of you—by spending time with her.
Remember…
You are worthy of time. Time is how you demonstrate love. Quality time is a love language—that includes quality time with yourself.
The number one way to carve out that time, to take that time without feeling guilty, to take that time without feeling like it's a threat to your ambition or to your success, is to dig up the root. It's to dig up the belief that is keeping you from taking time for yourself.
Reflect on it. Brainstorm a list of possible beliefs. Identify the one that feels like, "Oooh, that's the one I want to practice. I'm going to try it on. I want to operate from that place as I go into next week."
And that's the thing that changes everything.
Ready to Make Time for Personal Reflection A Priority?
You value reflection. You know that quiet communion with yourself – and with God – is where your best guidance and absolute clarity come from. But finding the time feels impossible, and when you do create space, you're not always sure what to focus on.
This is why I created Beyond Busy: How Aligned Leaders Make Time for What Matters Most – Themselves and 20 Reflection Questions for Aligned Leaders.
Beyond Busy includes a mini-audit process that will help you find time, and the reflection questions will help you use that time meaningfully.
It’s time to put yourself on the calendar.
