The Real Reason Things Aren’t Changing
Deep in your heart you want things to be different. You’re tired of doing more of the same. You read the books. You journal. You listen to the podcasts, trying to will yourself towards what you really want.
It’s been months, years (if you’re honest), and while there’s been some change, it doesn’t feel like enough. You’re still here, in what feels like the same spot. It’s discouraging. It’s frustrating. It’s scary.
Will you be here (waves arms around) forever? Is this it?
The thought alone creates a flicker of panic.
Why aren’t things changing?
(And if they are, why aren’t things changing faster?)
I’ll tell you why: Because you’re giving your new what’s left of your focus.
The thought hit me like a ton of bricks as I was writing this morning.
Over the last 6 months, I’ve been in what I call “the space between.” I made the move abroad, which is what I wanted to do, but it’s not yet felt like the freedom/expansiveness I believe is here for me. And while I know this move was the right move, there’ve been more than enough glitches to give me pause.
Going into the glitches rehashes all the ways something hasn't worked - and it can be a slippery slope - so I won't do that. What starts as a simple retelling becomes a reliving of moments we haven't gotten far enough away from to see the beauty and necessity of just yet. Focusing on the "glitches" that are an inevitable part of change and growth too soon or too often is the fastest way to get stuck in the story. In fact, if I moved all the way across the world and there were no glitches, that would actually be greater cause for concern. Because when we change, we move into the unknown–glitches are inevitable.
But this piece isn’t about glitches. It’s about how we respond to them.
I knew that there’d be some discomfort with my move from Houston to Lisbon, Portugal. I was moving with two kids, a dog, and a partner to a place I’d never even visited.
I know a thing or two about listening to, trusting myself and going after what I want.
And yet, here I was, 6 months into this move, feeling stuck.
What if this move wasn’t right?
What if this feeling of shift doesn’t ever go away for my kids?
What if this feeling of shift doesn’t ever go away for my husband?
What if my work dries up?
What if I run out of money because my work dried up?
What if getting this apartment was biting off more than we could chew?
What if we don’t get to travel as much because we bit off more than we could chew?
My head was consumed with all of the what-ifs.
I tried the usual things to get me out of my head: reading, journaling, meditating.
But nothing seemed to work.
In fact, I found that journaling sent me spiraling, circling the what if drain. All of my reading gravitated towards work. What could I read to help me get better at work so I can stave off the drought that I’m sure is coming? What could I learn? Who has the answer? This person looks like they’ve got it figured out, let me watch their training, listen to their podcast, read their book.
Everything I was reading made sense. None of it felt particularly revolutionary, which should have made me feel better. Instead, it made me feel like I must be doing something wrong because I know all of this, why is it not working for me?
Hello spiral.
If you’re keeping track, journaling sends me spiraling, and reading sends me spiraling. My brain and my soul needed a break, so I went to meditation. And that worked–for the 20 minutes I had Deepak Chopra in my ear (and maybe a couple of hours after), but it wasn’t quite the overhaul to my thoughts I was looking for.
Realizing this felt like a bigger lift than I could handle on my own, I reluctantly reached out to a couple of friends. And I say reluctantly because like many of the people I work with, I am/have been the first, the only, or the underdog in my life. The firstborn daughter and the carrier of my mother’s hopes and dreams, the first Black cheerleader, the first Black commencement speaker, the scholarship student who was told, “even though you’re smart, don’t be surprised if you get Cs and Ds here.” I mean, pick a challenge. I’m accustomed to being and carrying all the things. While it’s made me strong, it’s also meant I often don’t recognize when I am carrying too much and subsequently don’t ask for help until I’m up to my eyes drowning.
So when I say I reluctantly reached out to a couple of friends, please know that that was a feat unto itself.
One friend let me have my feelings. No solutions, just allowed me to exhale. I hadn’t even realized I’d been holding my breath.
Another friend, who is also a coach, planted a seed that it could be much easier, that I am the solution.
But it was a connection call with someone I’d met on LinkedIn that was the necessary splash of cold water that I needed to wake me up.
In reference to my work, she asked, “How many hours a day do you spend on your work?”Simple question, yes?
Except it didn’t feel so simple to answer. Eh, that’s not true…it felt simple to answer.
I just didn’t like the answer.
Not enough.
When I thought about how much time I was spending on my actual work, my thought was: not enough.
I had been spending so much of my time and energy on the what ifs, on staving off what I didn’t want to happen, that I hadn’t been spending much time moving towards what I did want to be true.
I was spending hours and hours focused on fighting off my interpretation of what might happen, exhausting my mental and emotional energy, by the time I sat down to actually work, I had nothing left.
Nothing was changing for me because I was focusing my time and my energy on the wrong thing.
I’m reminded of a parable I once heard called The One You Feed:
Source: Eric Zimmer
Many of us want a different reality. We are being pulled towards our dreams of a more enriched life. We are being pulled towards work that has more meaning, more impact, and more ease.
And unlike most, we’ve acknowledged it, written about it in our journal, and have maybe even said it out loud to our closest family, friend or coach.
And yet…nothing is changing.
That’s because we are caught up in the energy and focus-sucking world of what-ifs.
What if I turn down this promotion or don’t take the next step in my career–will all of this work have been for nothing? Will I seem ungrateful?
What if I say ‘no’ and set a clear boundary so I have more time for myself–will they think I’m less committed? Will I lose credibility?
What if I take this time away to focus on myself–will that make me selfish? Less of a good parent/partner?
What if I actually go after what I want and dedicate time and money towards it and it doesn’t work–will that make me irresponsible? A foolish dreamer?
And because we don’t want what’s on the other side of those what ifs, we spend focus–our time and energy–on the very things we don’t want.
We accept the promotion.
We take the next step in our career.
We say ‘yes,’ when we want to say ‘no.’
We create more ways to prove we’re a good parent/partner.
We spend time and money on the tangible things, things that demonstrate how responsible we are.
And then we try to feed the spacious, abundant reality we want with the leftovers.
It’s like watering the big oak tree in our yard and then using what’s left to water the new fruit tree we just planted and really want to grow.
We are trying to create a whole new reality for ourselves, but instead of giving it our best focus, our best attention, we are giving it what’s left.
We are trying to feed the lives we really want with what’s left after our job, with what’s left after we fulfill our parental and partner responsibilities.
What’s left after all of that has barely been enough for the current version of us.
How could it possibly be enough to nurture and create the version of ourselves that we actually want?
Going after the life we want will require us to aim a concentrated dose of our focus in the one place we are most reluctant to–on ourselves first.
One way to start is in your weekly planning. Instead of giving yourself what’s left at the end of the week, put time for yourself on the calendar at the beginning of the week. I created a short video, “Finding Time for Reflection,” that walks you through what I call a mini-audit process to help you find time for yourself.
And if you want a guide to put the process into practice, you can purchase Beyond Busy: Finding Time for Personal Reflection, which also includes 10 Reflection Questions for the Aligned Leader.
The mini-audit process will help you find time. It's designed to identify what's truly yours to do and what can be eliminated, modified, or delegated to someone better positioned for that work.
The reflection questions will help you use that time meaningfully. They're not generic productivity prompts. They're carefully crafted to guide you toward the insights that matter most for your growth as a leader.
Grab Beyond Busy and 10 Reflection Questions for the Aligned Leader here»
