Beneath the Surface: The Real Reason Why There Never Seems to Be Enough Time
After I released yesterday's piece about not living off the leftovers, I realized something was missing. We're notorious for serving and taking care of everybody else before we take care of ourselves, leaving us with very little time or energy to tend to the person that is us. But while I shared practical strategies, I hadn't addressed the deeper issue.
And almost immediately after I wrote that first piece, this next one came pouring out.
I'm smiling as I write this because when I sat down today, that same sentiment kept coming up—which tells me this is something I really need to share.
Because the reality is: when we say we don't have time, that's naming what we see on the surface, not what's driving the behavior beneath.
The Root System of Our Behaviors
Think of it like a plant. Above ground, we see the flowers, the leaves—the physical manifestation of what's beneath the surface: the seeds and the roots. When we're trying to make changes in our lives, we focus on the part we can see. We cut the plant, we spray weed killer on the weeds, but then over time, that weed resurfaces. The plant grows back, and we're left wondering, What the heck?
Our behaviors and habits are exactly like that. We can make surface-level changes—blocking time for ourselves on a calendar, taking that vacation, saying no, asking for what we want that one time. But if we don't address what's at the root, we'll default to our usual disposition.
If we've spent most of our lives putting others first, putting our work ahead of ourselves, or letting our work define who we are and how we see ourselves, then overworking becomes the leaf. Perfectionism is the leaf. People-pleasing is the leaf. Denying ourselves, overextending ourselves, sacrificing ourselves—those are the above-ground, surface manifestations of something deeper.
If we want to make lasting change, if we want to truly put ourselves on the calendar and mean it, we have to dig deeper. We have to identify and uproot the beliefs that are driving those behaviors.
What Is a Belief, Really?
I think of a belief as something we've been told or taught, actively or subversively, that we have accepted as truth. And because we've seen evidence to support it, we operate in accordance with it.
Let me show you how this plays out. Say I tell you that women make the best floral arrangements. Then I show you a beautiful arrangement and the woman who designed it. Then I show you photos of arrangements made by men, pointing out how their designs pale in comparison to those made by women.
Eventually, you'll begin to hold the belief that floral arrangements made by women are superior. Now when you go to a floral shop, you'll look to see who's doing the arranging. You don't know why exactly, but whenever you gift arrangements, you buy from women. It becomes your default behavior because you've adopted and accepted the belief that women make better floral arrangements.
Here's the thing about beliefs: every action, every behavior, is tied to some belief. We've been forming and collecting beliefs from the moment we were born and started learning. Everything you think, everything you do, and everything you don't do is because of some belief.
The Misbelief That's Stealing Your Time
Now, let's talk about how this shows up with wildly successful women.
One of the biggest misbeliefs my clients have to uproot is this long-held notion that hard work leads to success.
From the moment they were kids, they were offered this belief by parents, teachers, TV shows, books—everywhere. Students who worked hard were celebrated, given awards, preferential treatment. Their names posted with gold stars atop the honor roll. Evidence. Proof.
And those who didn't work hard, those who didn't take themselves or their work so seriously, those who got A's without applying themselves, were regarded as slackers, lazy, or resting on their laurels.
Because the evidence lined up with the belief, we accepted it as truth. As a result, we've adopted and conflated hard work as a prerequisite for success.
But here's where it gets tricky: if you're not working hard, are you really successful? If you stop working hard, will you compromise your success?
This is one of, if not the greatest barrier that wildly successful people have to reclaiming time for themselves. Anything other than hard work feels like a threat to one of their deepest, longest-held beliefs—the belief that shaped and paved the way for everything they have and everything they feel like they are.
The Beautiful Truth About Beliefs
Here's what makes me absolutely light up: you can change your beliefs.
Remember that a belief is a thought we've been offered, supported with enough evidence that we accepted as truth. If we want to change, we need to identify the outdated belief, pull it up, consider or create a new thought or possibility, and then look for evidence to back it up.
In my notebook, I wrote it like a little formula: new idea or new thought + evidence = new belief.
Just like with anything we want to grow, the more we water that belief, the more we act in alignment with it, the more rooted it becomes, and the more we start to see evidence of it in our behavior and in our lives.
All of this just makes me smile because it is a true path to change. It makes change feel more possible, less ambiguous. And it's often the ambiguity that keeps us stuck. We don't know how to be with the uncertainty of change. Having this process to change our beliefs in a very real way gives us just enough certainty that we can feel more confident moving forward.
Your Invitation to Audit Your Beliefs
So, as you think about reclaiming time for yourself, serving and putting yourself first, I invite you to pay attention to where you find or feel resistance. Where are you finding challenge? What beliefs might be under the surface driving your behavior?
I call this whole process Auditing Your Beliefs, and it is a core part of phase one of Beyond Success—a 12-week program for wildly successful women who are ready to reclaim their lives, not just their time.
Phase one is about divesting from success. Identifying all of the subtle ways that we have bought into the narrative that we have to sacrifice, that we have to work hard. All of the beliefs about time and the value of knowledge versus the value of knowing. It's really about understanding our default. Sometimes I refer to it as the detox—we are detoxing from all of the beliefs and ways of being that require us to deplete ourselves rather than be ourselves.
I like to think of this process as clearing the ground. Once we clear the ground, then we can move on to phase two: designing a life that feels like ours. Once we turn down the noise of success and detox from that way of being, we've got this beautiful, vast plot of land on which we can decide what we want to build, how we want to be, who we want to be, and how we want to live.
Phase two is designing your life. Sometimes I call this living in the dream, because many of us have deferred our dreams until we retire. We've delayed or denied our dreams because success didn't leave much room for them. There wasn't time for dreaming. But in this new phase, with significance as our guide, we tune into our dreams, we listen to them, we give them room to exist. And then we walk towards them.
Then there's the third phase: devoting ourselves to ourselves. Once we have a clear vision of who and how we want to be, and a life that makes us feel alive in the best possible way, what will it look like to take day-to-day steps in that direction? What would it look like to devote ourselves to ourselves?
This isn't a one-time experience. It's giving you the tools so that you can make a significant life a practice for you. It's a different way of being.
Something in You Is Already Stirring
If you've achieved more than you ever thought you would, and the idea of being intentional about your life in the same way that you've been intentional about your career calls to you—or if you're ready to expand and to live big, bold, and freely—then I want to invite you to consider Beyond Success.
Click image to schedule our Vibe Check
And I will say “consider” because all of the people who have joined Beyond Success say the same thing: "I don't know why I joined. I just knew that it was right for me."
If that appeals to you, let’s have a conversation. We can do a vibe check, a spirit check. My spirit checks in with your spirit, your spirit checks in with my spirit. And if they get along really well, then I'd love to have you in the cohort.
The roots of these beliefs run deep, and they don't go quietly. That's why Beyond Success begins here—with a guided process for unearthing and replacing the very beliefs that keep you overworking and overlooking yourself. You don't have to wrestle them down by yourself.
If you've made it this far, there is something in you that is desiring to come forth. There is some change standing before you. You're at a fork in the road and you want to know how to move forward in a way that feels aligned for you.
My hope is that this idea of noticing the behavior and drilling down to find out which belief is driving that behavior offers some insight into how you can move forward.
I'm rooting for you. Always.
—Aisha
